As the book settled into my life, I seemed to move into another zone. It was as though I was watching my life, the people and the events in it from a distance. Colours and smells started to become more vibrant and every passing person, cherished friend and family member seemed more distinctly beautiful yet somehow indistinguishable from each other. This growing awareness of intimacy with everyone strangely came as I spent more and more time alone… walking… thinking… wondering. At one point I remember actually having to sit down to gather and steady myself as everyone in the room including myself blended into a single person and I had no reference point for what to do or say.
I mentioned that Roman, Darby, Paul, Sonya and I all started to drift steadily apart. I missed my dear soul friends and often longed to turn the clock back to the times of warmth and astonishment as we watched the Feeling God book materialize among us. One particular day I wanted to be in touch with Darby and just quietly hang out for the day; she was good at that kind of thing. I was not led to call her, for some reason, and treated myself to a nice lunch at a lakeside café in Burlington, Ontario.
For hours I watched big white clouds dancing in the sunlight and strong winds, all punctuated with flashes of midday lightning over the ruffled waters. Clearly these were changing times and strange times. I felt a shiver of excitement course through my body.
As often wont to do when alone and encountering deep feelings like that, I dug into my backpack for pen and paper. I wrote a letter to myself.
(Some days later Darby told me she had spent those same reflective hours that day on that very beach. We spent the day sitting together unknowingly just yards apart, each alone, together in our silent reveries.)
July 2, 2006
This is the day after Canada Day and I am quietly sitting at the café watching the lightning over the lake and smelling change in the air. Most of the change in my life has been inner change in me. I am more deeply grateful and in more awe of every detail and person in my life than I had ever anticipated. My life is beautiful and passionate. It is exciting and unlimited. Over the past few years I have learned that the child in me is destined to take me to heaven; not some eventual state but an ongoing reality, starting here and starting now. My child’s heaven is never in a hurry. It has all of forever to draw from. Whatever I conceive and wish to empower springs instantly to life and starts its journey in time to the magnificent reality it already is.
People are everywhere around me. They are happy, distracted, passionate and sad. I see the young and the old, the tired and the energetic, the hopeful and the disenchanted. They are all so beautiful, all so courageous, each one resolved to do the best they know how.
And so it is, we all seek to be loved with out the cause of merit or accomplishment…..or perhaps seeking less desperately so, as we become better lovers, learning to start in giving that which we sought, to the beautiful self we see in life’s human collage that presses against us.
Soft whispering in the silence…insistent….compelling… about the untried, unlikely, unknown. If not for love, I would plead for my release and resolve to chart my destiny in the shallow waters of yesterday’s certainty.
He calls to me, my Friend. Come walk by my side where life and joy ever dance untouched by any limits, unchallenged by any fears.
Thanks be to God.